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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Rhi's LiveJournal:

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    Sunday, May 30th, 2010
    2:23 am
    I'm tired, I want to hit my head on something, hard. I don't actually want to do this, whatever "this" is, anymore/right now. Yeah, it's been one of those days. Days when I can look out of my window at the world and realise that it is too much to be out in it. I've a fridge full of pizza from a Eurovision party I never made it to, because it was *out there* and that was too much.

    I've four more exams, which will go fine, because the last one went so fine I know it's a first and a good one, the question is only how good. I answered a question attempted by 3 other people in the history of the course, and I answered it well. Aside from that my bank essay, the no brainer nice simple not showing off at all essay, was better than good enough. My essays were good. The next three will be good, because again, same format, except no ability to write something exciting about fractal truth values and why the logical conclusion of state endorsement of the GMC is an undermining of the social contract and sanctity of law. Just a collection of not so very interesting things, where I try very hard not to be a feminist whilst explaining that the reason women commit crime is all about sex.

    Seriously, there are some *fab* quotes and studies out there.

    Hoffman Bustamante in 1973 said that sex roles play a part in the type of crime committed, so, because women are less familiar with weapons they don't use them, instead they threaten their victims with household objects.

    Campbell in 1981 said that girls shoplift for a sexual thrill, something that he argues is supported by the high number of single, divorced and widowed female offenders.

    Far too many people say that women just want to be carers and raise families and have love and this means they commit crime, because of course, the only crime women are really involved in is prostitution, and this is because they want love/relationships or are just sexual deviants.

    Of course, then there's bias, but, let's not dwell...

    Seriously, Hoffman Bustamante, name of the day.

    Oh, and as female poverty rises so do crimes specifically related to female poverty (not poverty in general, please note) and one of these is... TV license payment evasion, at least according to Pantazis and Gordon in 1997. You have to wonder why the Home Office funded and published *that* piece of research.
    Friday, January 8th, 2010
    5:37 pm
    Sleepy and full of cold. I'm packing, trying to not take too much back with me, and trying to reduce the piles of things I seem to have accumilated.

    I've not made it to blood test land, this is not good. I've got the form, just not seen a phlebotomist. Job for next week, me thinks.

    Can wants chocolate...
    Thursday, January 7th, 2010
    10:45 pm
    I'm back in Leicester, going home on Saturday.

    I've picked up a cold from somewhere.

    I'm moving house, and have a few flats to go and have a look at now.

    Went to the cinema for the first time in years yesterday - Planet 51 was hilarious.

    There's something in my mind, I can't put my finger on it. Something I need to say but don't remember.
    Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
    1:21 am
    I dream of a little flat in Nottingham, where I live, quietly and contentedly on my own, in a relatively stable way. I dream of going to school and going to work and muddling through with a little bit of a social life.

    I wrote that last year. December 30th.

    I have a little flat, I live in it, in a reasonably stable way.

    I go to school.

    I haven't managed to go to work yet, but that's pretty much all their fault not mine.

    I even have a bit of a socail life; debate, drama, pride, tentatively the CU, all at uni. And outside of school an eclectic mix of perverts and mental people.

    I'm happy, some/most of the time. The majority of the rest of the time I'm busy *smiles*

    Just to offset the depressiveness of the last posting.

    I am happy, quite a lot, honest, really. But I'm going to crawl under my duvet now.
    Saturday, December 19th, 2009
    12:52 am
    My first term finished today.

    I don't think I've updated at all this term, which probably says something about just how much I've managed to cram in.

    I do a degree.
    I do a French Course (university level - first year).
    I'm president of the debate society.
    I founded said society.
    I'm Welfare and Campaigns Officer for NTU Pride.
    I've started going to the CU.
    I'm writing a play for Leicester Literary Festival.


    I have friends.
    I still bake.
    I still read.
    I go to the odd munch.


    I've no time to write.
    I've no time to sing.


    I have a new person.


    I have my own flat.
    It now has hot water.
    It now doesn't have mould.
    It does not have heating.


    My first French paper scored 59.
    My second French paper scored 73. (I remembered how to speak French by then.)
    My diagnostic essay scored 63 - I need to improve my referencing.


    My god mother died.
    I met the Prime Minister.
    I only had a little bit of a mental wobble mid term.
    Said mental wobble faltered along til the end of term.


    I stuck to my new year's resolution.
    I didn't go to the gym as much as I intended.
    I dropped Belly Dancing class (my hips said a big thank you).


    Next term I will...

    go to all my lectures/seminars
    learn to drive a mini bus
    go to an inordinate number of debate competitions
    find a work/life/debate balance
    move house to somewhere with heating
    chase Sarah Paget at Community of Communities - I want this for my dissertation, I think.
    go to the gym more often
    eat right, every day
    txt my friends more



    Reflection is a tough one for me. A bit like group work. I tend to screw it up somehow.

    Tomorrow I'm launching myself at Christmas, and getting festive - wrapping presents, writing cards, making a few more cos I'm sure I didn't do enough. I'm also learning panto lines.

    Other Rhi is moving to Wales tomorrow. We had dinner tonight, she and I and other bitch. I can't help feel she's a bit like the glue, sometimes. We'll all holiday in Aber next summer, and she's getting an NTU Debate hoodie and coming to the Welsh meets :-P

    I'm allowing myself one day of hiding and me time, which will include the card writing and present wrapping, and then it is time to snap out of this funk. I don't know what's wrong, but I'm off kilter, and it's bugging me. It has meant I've done a lot of reading these past two days though.
    Friday, November 20th, 2009
    11:10 pm
    Cheryl Cole needs to get out of my head. It's not even a good song.

    Grrr.
    Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
    9:52 pm
    tired, very tired.

    i've not cried so much in forever.

    it's been a long, long day.
    Monday, November 16th, 2009
    6:58 pm
    Today was my birthday.

    I think I'm sad.

    There's too much going on in my head.

    Home via the store to find dinner.
    Monday, October 26th, 2009
    7:16 pm

    It’s been forever since I updated.  Really, forever.  And, since today I am curled up feeling most sorry and ill for myself, it seems like a good way to procrastinate for a few minutes to update lj before doing all the other things I need to get done, and that reading in the pile in the corner…

     

    I’ve moved in, finally, and I have hot water, I’m not sure about having heating, and I do still have damp, which I shouldn’t.  It’s been just over two months.  I like my little house though, it is cosy and comfy and mine.  I have people come and visit, and everywhere is settling into that pleasant level of chaos that feels homely to me.

     

    I’ve got my timetable, and it changes every week, and this is okay.  I get Tuesday off, and Monday mornings, and alternate Fridays til 3.  Wednesdays and Thursdays, are, however, some what filled with lectures and seminars and things.  I like this though, having things to do, to learn, this is good.

     

    I’m president of the debating society.  This is still a bit eeep! like, because, well, it’s a whole society, it’s just me running it, and I’ve got a whole raft of things to get off the ground really, really soon.  Like a schools’ teaching and competition programme, a university teaching programme, and finding someone to fund my going to Amsterdam…

     

    I’m in the drama society, I’m going to learn sound and lighting, and, I might write a play.

     

    I’m a bellydancer, and was asked to compete tonight, but, I think I’m going to politely but firmly decline.

     

    I have a social life, I go out and things, in pubs, with people.  Notts Munch is fun but not like home, LGB soc are fun and funny, and the people on my course, I recognise and talk to and stuff now.

     

    Life is good.  I am busy and content and happy and sad and I cry and I laugh and… everything is “good enough”.

     

    There’s an ongoing argument with the benefit people, but, I am made of student finance win, the whole sob story with very graphic and explicit detail and much gore and insanity may have done quite a lot to get people to give me money.  I wonder if that works with corporate sponsorship?

     

    Life is good.

    Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
    12:07 am
    I'm watching Waking the Dead, because I can. Because I'm in Leicester, and have internet.

    Today I saw Other Rhi and Talia and Emma and we had tea and that was good.

    Shuffling sideways is an exercise in futility and pointlessness. I can't see my going again. Which concerns me, in case I wind up needing support, or more support than can be provided by my uni, who are strictly work related stuff, I'm not sure where to go, except, I have a brilliant psych stored under my bed, and it doesn't seem that the MFG are particularly adept at providing support anyway.

    The bus driver was mean and horrible, he didn't stop at my stop despite my ringing the bell. I got off at the next one instead, and then waited 20 minutes on the other side fo the road to go back a stop, because it was painful enough to cross the street, and the idea of the 15 minute walk back to the car just wasn't going to happen.

    I was feeling fine til I went to my therapy group. During which I didn't talk. And now, I do not feel so fine.

    I'm still ignoring Student Finance because it's just as productive as chasing them every day.

    Tomorrow I'm activating the credit card I didn't want, but it turns out I might need, and changing my ESA address, because they seem to be most prone to ignoring the fact that I keep telling them to stop paying me. I'll mention it again tomorrow, but, yanno, if they want to give me money, and I keep telling them not to, and they keep sending it to me anyway...

    I'm filtering my thoughts. It seems safest.
    Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009
    11:55 pm
    I still do not have student finance. And I do not think I am one of the people who will get their money paid when the university acknowledges my registration. I've got the whole Oxford mess that they need to sort out, ya see.

    Also, I can't register until I get my fees paid, and I can't get my fees paid til I register.

    That's just tuition.

    I have no idea what is going on with my grant. Whether I can get it, how much it is...

    But, the biggest problem, over and above not knowing whether I have funding to start my course, is that my disability access stuff won't be set up before next Friday, the start of term. The reason I know this is because *it has not yet been approved* despite the fact that I was told both yesterday and two weeks ago that it was approved and a letter would be on my door step last Friday.

    If there is a miracle, then I might have my equipment by the 11th, which is the first teaching day.

    It's the non-monetry stuff I need though. Worst case scenario, I own a computer, and an internet connection and can go and buy software and such like. I can go and buy the recommended hardware (or get a note taker). Except I can't get a note-taked because there'll be no *funding* for one. It's the services provided by the uni, the reasonable adjustments, like protected library loans, and being able to ask someone else to go up the many stairs and find the books and carry them down the stairs so I don't fall over during the process or generally collapse in a tramadol-isn't-working-well-enough-anymore heap of pain. It's the having of a mental health support worker. It's the exams provisions, and the group work set up. All the things that don't *cost* anything, and so can't be *bought* with money, but that are going to mean that I get through uni in one piece and with a degree.

    I have worked so fucking hard to get here. And the problem now is that there are morons in my LEA who spent 4 months telling me the wrong thing, and then that the SFE folk took forever to tell me that the LEA were more idiotic than we all thought, and now they're over worked and under staffed and aren't able to meet the deadlines set them by London, at least in part because someone thought it would be a good idea to relocate all the student finance offices over the summer vacation.

    I really don't want that to be the thing that stops me going to school.

    At the moment I think it might be.

    And, I don't want to think about what not going to school would mean.

    Other than that, the ESA, the Housing benefit, and the council tax, the fact that I don't have hot water and don't know why, and can't figure out how to turn my heating on, everything is fine. In palces, better than fine, good, even.

    Tomorrow I will do things that make me happy. And ignore the growing need for tramadol. Stress is making me hurt. As is all the traipsing after forms and red tape.

    I prescribe myself baking and meditation. After I call SFE again.
    Tuesday, September 8th, 2009
    10:13 pm
    The basics of trauma therapy, as far as I can see, is to be able to talk about an event without reliving it. As in, no emotional connection of any significance.

    The basics of what FDL were doing was getting me to feel stuff, lots of stuff, about all kinds of things.

    I don't think I've yet been able to reconcile the dissonance between the two.

    I just found "safe" things to feel about at FDL.

    I should not watch Noel - West Wing Season 2. It makes me think too much.
    Thursday, September 3rd, 2009
    7:56 pm
    1. The illness I live with is: Chronic Pain, Obstructive Apnoea, PCOS, and a few mental health issues.

    2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2003 for the CPS and PCOS, and that's when I first got referred to psych services. The Apnoea was about 2005, I think.

    3. But I had symptoms since: Age 13.

    4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Leaving uni.

    5. Most people assume: I'm fine. Certainly that there aren't any physical issues.

    6. The hardest part about mornings are: General motivation, getting up, eating, you know, normal things that people take for granted.

    7. My favorite medical TV show is: House. Hugh Laurie... nom.

    8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: The CPAP machine, cos, yanno, breathing is made of win.

    9. The hardest part about nights are: The hallucinations. The paranoia. The terror. The nightmares. Take ya pick.

    10. Each day I take: *clears throat*

    25mg thyroxine
    750mg metformin x2
    200mg mebeverine x2
    200mg lamotragine
    700mg lithium
    100mg tramadol PRN
    120mg orlistat x3
    A multi vitamin

    11. Regarding alternative treatments I: have tried a few things. Some work, some don't. Colonic irrigation doesn't. Getting beaten up really does. Every now and again I have a massage, mostly when parts of my anatomy seize up, and that hurts far too much to be RACK. Tiger balm, on the other hand, saves my life.

    12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Recently, I'd take the wheel chair. At the very least this would stop nurses in the unit I've been in for a year accusing me of fraud when I try and get a mobility bus pass. Or strange Dutch women disapproving of me using disabled bathrooms.

    When I'm not quite so frustrated, the non visable disability works just fine. It's harder to command respect in some of the circles I move in, if people think that you're brain is broken in any way. It's hard enough being female, being crazy...

    13. Regarding working and career: I dropped my degree, I've picked up another one. I was still temping.

    Also, I qualify for the job I'm now doing on the basis of having got my illness and being through the treatment programme I'm completing tomorrow.

    14. People would be surprised to know: That I'm disabled, apparently.

    15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: That half of what I experience isn't real. That I can't play volleyball anymore.

    That I'm never going to go to Notre Dame and learn Coptic.

    16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Change people's worlds.

    17. The commercials about my illness: Well, we don't really advertise illness here, or meds, so, erm...

    18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Acting/Drama

    19. It was really hard to have to give up: Oxford

    20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Well, post hoc ergo propter hoc, S&M and kink.

    21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I'm actually offended by this question, the use of the word normal. I am normal, this is normal for me. The question means "one day of feeling symptom free", it should say this.

    22. My illness has taught me: A heck of a lot of medical knowledge.

    23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Well, the fraud comment yesterday got to me.

    24. But I love it when people: Listen and accept.

    25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I don't have one.

    26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Depends on what they're diagnosed with, tbh. If it's PCOS "you can still get pregnant" would be high on my list.

    27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How many pills I can swallow in one go.

    28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: There've been some good cuddles.

    29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: The fraud comment yesterday, and the question using the word "normal". So, mostly, cos I'm pissed off right now. And trying to avoid writing a leaving card because I don't know what to say.

    30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: nothing, actually. But, I say this knowing what feelings I can and do have, so, it's an informed nothing, as opposed to a numb.
    Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
    7:15 pm
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwdPxmZ8tUc

    I love the music in the background in this clip. It's called Hashkiveinu, and, georgeous.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw1xgeM3Rb4

    There's an instrumental version here, again in the background, and, just as beautiful and serene.

    I want this kind of music when people gather to remember me.
    Thursday, August 27th, 2009
    5:49 pm
    Leicester pride is next Saturday, the day after I leave FDL. The same day as the proposed road trip to Oxford.

    I want to go to pride, so, I might move Oxford to later.

    And then, I can move in on the 6th, and potter about for a week before I need to do anything in particular, except complete all the forms and collect the ID cards and all those fun things.

    My bus pass form arrived today, my council tax certificate needs the student finance people to have finished their bit... damn them for taking so long :P My prescription certificate, needs the student finance people to have finished their bit. Housing forms... we'll see.

    On the bright side, I am insured, and, come the end of Saturday, I'll have furniture and be beginning to be moved in.
    Thursday, August 20th, 2009
    9:11 pm
    I have house keys.

    This is exciting.
    Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
    4:28 pm
    I have requested a form for...

    free meds
    free public transport
    housing benefit
    parking permit

    I am now chasing up a missing benefit payment.

    I will then change my address on all the government forms, bank forms, phone etc bills...

    Moving day tomorrow :D
    Thursday, August 13th, 2009
    9:54 pm
    Story
    http://avenuea.deviantart.com/art/Girl-in-Camp-133252255

    I'm not sure that's the idea done justice, but, I do like the idea.
    Thursday, August 6th, 2009
    11:04 pm
    Soooooooooooooo tired.

    I'd still rather be in Newcastle right now.

    But I'd take my box with me, and put other rhi in it.

    Clinical: "We wondered about the contents of Rhi's box. Why is she fixated on binding and confining people she values?"
    Thursday, July 30th, 2009
    11:48 pm
    Today has been nice.

    Today I acquired furniture from the compound, and played hoopla and darts and pingpong and many other fairground games.

    I won a shine-y wand, and a cuddly cat, and a glider, and two pots of playdough, and three weird purple drinks (fluke ability to aim when demonstrating hoopla that disappeared as soon as I stopped demonstrating), and a baloon.

    It was a very nice afternoon.

    I've run round like a mad thing packing... I'm nearly there, almost.

    I've got a letter from the student finance people - they need a different form, because the 3 forms I've already sent in aren't enough/right. I'll be dealing with that when I get back next week.

    I've managed to go three weeks without killing the plants. This is mostly because it's rained every day so I've been able to ignore the plants, and that is something I'm very good at.

    I have run out of medication. Not all of it, just the lithium. I had half a dose last night, and nothing tonight, and will pick up the script tomorrow afternoon when it will be at the chemist.

    Today has been a good day.

    I need to work out what I'm doing tomorrow.
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